Still interning

During my ten months of unemployment, I’ve been passing the time by writing for a local listings magazine. At first, I wasn't much use to the magazine. My listings resembled wallpaper soup. All the events seemed boring to me, so I did unenthusiastic and dull write-ups.

This magazine is the only one in town, so its listings are influential. Without tougher editors, I could have killed off the local social scene. Thankfully, they stepped in.

Jan 24: Staring at the Photocopier
Join local citizens as they stare at a photocopier.
Admission free. St Mary's School, 2pm

There were also times where my articles criticised locals, or Scientology; I had to re-write them. This was annoying at the time, but I now see their point: it’s not sensible for a small community magazine to go around pissing off locals, or well-funded groups which love suing people.

I’m now quite well trained. This month, I was given a book to review. I found it dull and self-indulgent, and noticed a grammar mistake in the first line of the first page. Still, I managed to write a fairly positive review, with only a little light sarcasm.

Nice hair, Hubbard.

I have occasional lapses; I recently wrote a hugely inappropriate article. I'd been reading a weird Chuck Palahniuk book, which made me want to do a bit of experimental writing. I had an interview with Poultry World coming up, and had been asked to do a food review of a local cafe, so decided to combine the two in an ‘experimental’ article:

I order the Big Fried Breakfast and a tea, grab a seat by the window, and settle down with a copy of Poultry World magazine. I’m reading it for a job interview. There are two chickens on the front cover.

‘MEPs have backed the idea of introducing processed animal proteins (PAP) into non-ruminant rations...’

It’s 11.45 on a Monday morning. There are three other customers, and no music playing in the background. It’s very quiet.

‘“Pork can be fed with poultry, and poultry with pork” said Ms Roth-Behrendt.’

The meal arrives fairly quickly. It’s huge; must be 1,000 calories. Almost straightaway, I knock my knife onto the floor. I go at the meal with just the fork, but a friendly customer jumps up to get me another knife.

‘...excluding specified risk materials, such as brain and spinal cord, as well as fallen stock.’

The tea is hot. It tastes fine. I’m not a tea connoisseur. The meal is great. The sausages and fried mushrooms are superb, and the eggs are just right. The bacon’s a little fatty, and I rudely pick at it. No-one’s watching.

‘The MEPs insist that, as ruminants are vegetarians, they should not be fed with PAP.’

I get my ratios wrong, and the hash brown and beans are gone before the rest. As I’m finishing, a family comes in and orders. One wants their bacon burnt. Another asks the waiter whether the mushrooms are ‘from a tin’. They are not. I’m full. The bill: £7.70. Bargain.

I honestly didn’t realise this might make the cafe look bad. Fortunately, the editor was paying attention. She said the review made her feel sick, and no-one reading it would want to eat at the cafe afterwards. This was a fair point: I’d really enjoyed the food there, and it was a small family-run business which didn’t deserve that kind of treatment anyway. I had a bit of a sulk, then agreed to rewrite it, but not before sarcastically telling the editor how I'd rewrite it: “I could go into more detail about the texture of the beans”.

This shows the best thing about magazine internships: you can’t really get fired, even if you act like a dick. If anyone has been fired from an internship, I’d love to hear the story, as it probably involves a massive libel, accidentally stabbing an interviewee, or something equally funny.