Naughty 'n Nice

This job, for a cleaner in London, pays £5-7 per hour. It’s a three month contract. The advert suggests that sucessful candidates will have to pay for ‘manual handling training’ and a CRB check before starting.

It’s hardly a golden opportunity. However, by 3pm on the day the advert was posted, it had 175 applications. A part-time admin role at a London law firm, posted on the same day, had attracted 234 CVs by mid-afternoon.

Cleaning isn't normally this exciting

Obviously these are extreme examples, but they may not be too far from normal. The average graduate job attracts 83 applications. Google couldn't track down the figure for other jobs, but it did provide a general picture: the unemployment rate is 7.9%, or 2.49 million people, while another 1.26 million who can’t find a full-time job, so are working part-time.

To see how bad the job market is, have a look at this Gumtree ad, easily the least appealing I’ve seen so far:

This job IS NOT FOR YOU!

Fit strong young man for removals work

YOU MUST LIVE IN KEMP TOWN - NO EXCEPTIONS
YOU MUST BE FIT,STRONG AND HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE
YOU MUST BE POLITE,WELL PRESENTED AND FRIENDLY

This job is to fill in for current guy who is on holiday until mid september,but could be permnament as he is looking for full time work.

Hours can be as little as 2 hour jobs,upto 10 hour days,so you HAVE TO be flexible,of you don't like this then DO NOT APPLY -ITS SIMPLE ISN'T IT?? THAT IS THE REASON WHY YOU MUST LIVE IN KEMP TOWN - BECAUSE I CAN PICK YOU UP AND THEN GO TO A JOB - WHICH COULD BE ONLY 2 HOURS! JOBS USUALLY LAST 3/4 HOURS THOUGH.

Pay is £6 - £7 p/h plus the odd tip.

Can you help lift a piano?? that is the sort of 'strong' I'm talking about,this job can be very tough - so no weakllings or unfit couch potatoes. You could be up and down 5 flights of staris 50 times - honestly - if this scares you then do not apply - really it can be a very hard job.

Due to the amount of timewasters you now have to attend an informal interview to apply for this job,I am absolutely sick of lazy dimwits who apply for job,then suddenly the night before job their phones don't get answered,you will be working at 8am on saturdays and maybe sundays,so if your out clubbing till 3am then this job IS NOT FOR YOU.

I am looking for a well spoken polite guy not some smelly pikey with tattooes on his neck whos gonna scare the customers - are you getting it?

TEXTS OR EMAILS WILL GO UNANSWERED - CALL ME ONLY ON XXXXXXXXXX

BE POLITE!

It seems hardly fair for this guy to demand that his employees are polite, friendly people with good attitudes. He appears to be the removal world’s Frank Booth. However, someone seems to have taken the job, as the ad was removed within three days.

The guy who took it must have been desperate for paid work. I am too. My job situation is so bad that I recently applied for a job as sales assistant at a sex shop. I wish I was joking. Here’s the ad:

Applicants must be aged 18 or over. Duties involve selling Adult products which may cause embarrassment to some people. No previous experience is necessary as full training will be given. Duties to include serving customers, dealing with customer enquiries, stock control, cash handling, upselling company’s products and all other relevant duties as required. Must be able to work weekends. There is no obligation to consider making an application for this vacancy. However, if you feel it is suitable for you, please discuss it further with an adviser. The employer has claimed an exception under the Equality Act 2010.

How to apply

You can apply for this job by sending a CV/written application to [name removed] at Nice 'n' Naughty, [email address removed]

Employer

Nice 'n' Naughty

It’s been two weeks, and I haven’t heard back, which is a relief. What would I have told my parents? “Thanks for deciding to have me, even though you could have probably bought a boat instead. Now I’m a sex shop sales assistant, I think you’ll agree that it was money well spent.”

Über People

Friedrich Nietzsche argued that the point of human existence is to produce a few people with superhuman qualities (Übermensch, or supermen). The lives of normal people are pitiable and meaningless:

“What is ape to man? A laughing-stock or painful embarrassment. And man shall be that to superman: a laughing-stock or painful embarrassment. You have made your way from worm to man, and much in you is still worm... The superman is the meaning of the earth...Man is a rope, tied between beast and superman.”

This uplifting message has apparently inspired a recruitment agency: Über People. It was formed in October 2008 “to provide an unrivalled level of service within the recruitment industry.” The firm is somehow able to “guarantees [sic] a level of service above all its competition”. Presumably they are so confident because all their staff are themselves Übermensch. I’d like to suggest a slogan for them:

If you’re embarrassed about how stupid normal people are compared with you, we feel the same. Get in touch and we’ll find you a job which you’re too smart for.

Sandwich Technician

I believe I’ve just had one of the shortest job interviews in history. My previous two were also fairly short, and quite disappointing.

The first was for a customer service role. I got an email confirming the date and time, which also asked me to “note the dress code is smart business dress”. When I got there, the receptionist was dressed in a fairly casual strappy top. She also had the local radio on very loud, and didn't turn it down when she was on the phone. The DJ talked at length about the high price of Hornby train sets.

After waiting 20 minutes, I was called in, answered about three standard questions (example: why do you want the job?), and then listened to a long description of the job. I’m sure the interviewer spent longer talking than me. Isn’t the point of an interview to get information about the applicant? Why would you invite someone to be interviewed, and spend the whole time talking yourself?

The following week, I had a similar experience in an interview for a hotel job. The manager made me wait more than 20 minutes, asked three or four simple questions, and then gave me a lot of uninteresting detail about the job. I was rejected.

My latest interview was even more disappointing. I applied for a job as a 'kitchen assistant'.

“Part time Kitchen Assistant required for a Pub in [nearby town], approx 16 hours per week, mainly evenings and weekends. We are looking for someone who can work with our Pub Chef, but who can also work alone and use initiative. Rate of pay £6/£7 per hour depending on experience. 
“Call or email to arrange interview.”

I soon got an email:

“Thank you for your recent enquiry, I will be conducting drop in interviews tomorrow Tuesday 16th and Thursday 18th August between 2-4pm, I hope you can make this time. For the right applicant we would require immediate start.”

I replied: “Hi, Thursday afternoon would be the best for me - what time would be best?” Their response: “Interviews will be held between 2-4pm.”

I arrived at 3:50. The manager was not expecting me, and was in the middle of something, so I had to wait a while. I was then given an application form, and left for a bit longer. When the manager finally arrived, she had a quick look at form. I can remember the full text of the interview that followed:

“So, do you have kitchen experience?”

“No.”

Lady One Question strikes again

That was it. She then explained that she was looking for someone with experience, but would get back to me if anything else came up, or if none of the other applicants had any experience either. I guess our total conversation was over in 60 seconds.

I felt a little insulted. If the manager had bothered to glance at my CV before inviting me for interview, she would have seen that I have no kitchen experience. Alternatavely, she could have mentioned in the job advert that experience was required, and I wouldn’t have bothered applying. As it was, I wasted about an hour getting to and from the interview.

Was I supposed to know that experience was so important? Perhaps kitchen work is more difficult than I thought. This job certainly looks demanding:

Breakfast chef/sandwich technician

We are looking for a fully experienced chef/sandwich/baguette maker. This is a solo position for a chef who can work quickly and cleanly preparing breakfasts, baking frozen products and sandwich and baguete production in a busy central Brighton cafe. 7 a.m. start, flexible shifts to include weekends. Please email cv.