Lice assassin

Assassinate is a strong word. It recalls famous murder victims like Lincoln, Malcolm X, and Trotsky. It is not used lightly: foxhunting is never called ‘fox assassination’, butchers are not ‘livestock assassins’, and seatbelts are not ‘anti-accidental-road-assassination devices’.

Spencer Perceval, the only British Prime Minister to have been assassinated.
Not by the Hair Force, I must add.

Thus, when a job title contains the word ‘assassin’, it grabs the attention. This was on Gumtree:

Become a Lice Assassin
To be a Lice Assassin is to be a member of an elite team and an innovative and dynamic company – The Hairforce.
 The Hairforce is a nit and lice hand removal service. We offer the only service of its kind in the UK. Using a unique set of equipment and our special clearing process, we literally remove the lice and nits (eggs) from client’s hair...

They aren’t just metaphorically removed. This lice removal service literally removes the lice from your hair. Obviously this is serious work, and the assassins are experts:

We train all our Lice Assassins thoroughly on our special training programme. You will only go ‘live’ on clients when you are fully ready...

This is not a picture of the Hair Force at work. 
It shows the 1901 assassination of US President William McKinley

The Hair Force appears to consider itself a branch of the Army. Their slogan is “no hair goes uncombed. No louse gets out alive.” As the website explains, their lice assassins are ‘A CRACK SQUAD’:

“They’re professional, they’re certified, they’re armed, they’re motivated – and in these uniforms they’re ruthlessly stylish... They’re in it for the kill and take pride in their work...call us and we will allocate you your own private killer – she’s ready and waiting.”

Ooh, which killer will they send? I hope it's Dennis Nilsen

The site then asks: ‘YOU THINK YOU COULD DO IT?’:

If you want to become a Lice Assassin please send an email...telling us why you think you’d make a good cold blooded killer and why you want to become part of the team and rid head lice from the planet. Please also enclose an up to date CV or resume.

We’re always after killers.

Hi, I'm Jeff Dahmer. Where's the infestation?

I thought that sounded ok, so I sent them an email:

Hi there, I see from your website that you're after ‘cold blooded killers’ for your lice assasin [sic] teams. I’m afraid I'm not exactly a killer, but I do have some outstanding burglary charges, and was expelled from school a few times in my youth. Do you think I might have what it takes?

Thanks,

A week later, I got a remarkably good-humoured response:

Hi S.,

Loved your email – unfortunately I’ve now filled that post. Bet you would make a great cold blooded killer though…

Best wishes,

D.
Assassination Partner
THE HAIRFORCE - LICE ASSASSINS

I was flattered. The vast majority of serious applications I send go unanswered, so it was very kind of the ‘assasination partner’ to respond to my sarcastic one. To return the favour, I’d like to point out that they got a great write-up in the Guardian in 2009, and the guy from Embarassing Bodies recommends them. And they never employed either Jeff Dahmer or Dennis Nilsen.

John Hinckley ,Jr: a rubbish assassin.
The Hair Force would never employ him.