Lice assassin

Assassinate is a strong word. It recalls famous murder victims like Lincoln, Malcolm X, and Trotsky. It is not used lightly: foxhunting is never called ‘fox assassination’, butchers are not ‘livestock assassins’, and seatbelts are not ‘anti-accidental-road-assassination devices’.

Spencer Perceval, the only British Prime Minister to have been assassinated.
Not by the Hair Force, I must add.

Thus, when a job title contains the word ‘assassin’, it grabs the attention. This was on Gumtree:

Become a Lice Assassin
To be a Lice Assassin is to be a member of an elite team and an innovative and dynamic company – The Hairforce.
 The Hairforce is a nit and lice hand removal service. We offer the only service of its kind in the UK. Using a unique set of equipment and our special clearing process, we literally remove the lice and nits (eggs) from client’s hair...

They aren’t just metaphorically removed. This lice removal service literally removes the lice from your hair. Obviously this is serious work, and the assassins are experts:

We train all our Lice Assassins thoroughly on our special training programme. You will only go ‘live’ on clients when you are fully ready...

This is not a picture of the Hair Force at work. 
It shows the 1901 assassination of US President William McKinley

The Hair Force appears to consider itself a branch of the Army. Their slogan is “no hair goes uncombed. No louse gets out alive.” As the website explains, their lice assassins are ‘A CRACK SQUAD’:

“They’re professional, they’re certified, they’re armed, they’re motivated – and in these uniforms they’re ruthlessly stylish... They’re in it for the kill and take pride in their work...call us and we will allocate you your own private killer – she’s ready and waiting.”

Ooh, which killer will they send? I hope it's Dennis Nilsen

The site then asks: ‘YOU THINK YOU COULD DO IT?’:

If you want to become a Lice Assassin please send an email...telling us why you think you’d make a good cold blooded killer and why you want to become part of the team and rid head lice from the planet. Please also enclose an up to date CV or resume.

We’re always after killers.

Hi, I'm Jeff Dahmer. Where's the infestation?

I thought that sounded ok, so I sent them an email:

Hi there, I see from your website that you're after ‘cold blooded killers’ for your lice assasin [sic] teams. I’m afraid I'm not exactly a killer, but I do have some outstanding burglary charges, and was expelled from school a few times in my youth. Do you think I might have what it takes?

Thanks,

A week later, I got a remarkably good-humoured response:

Hi S.,

Loved your email – unfortunately I’ve now filled that post. Bet you would make a great cold blooded killer though…

Best wishes,

D.
Assassination Partner
THE HAIRFORCE - LICE ASSASSINS

I was flattered. The vast majority of serious applications I send go unanswered, so it was very kind of the ‘assasination partner’ to respond to my sarcastic one. To return the favour, I’d like to point out that they got a great write-up in the Guardian in 2009, and the guy from Embarassing Bodies recommends them. And they never employed either Jeff Dahmer or Dennis Nilsen.

John Hinckley ,Jr: a rubbish assassin.
The Hair Force would never employ him.

Muse wanted

November 1966, London. John Lennon walks into the Indica Gallery, to see a preview of conceptual art by the fairly obscure artist Yoko Ono. One piece was a ladder with a black canvas at the top. Lennon climbed to the top and saw the word ‘yes’ in tiny letters, which impressed him. He also saw “an apple on sale there for £200, I thought it was fantastic - I got the humour in her work immediately.”

They met when she handed him an ‘artwork’: a card with the word ‘breathe’ on it. He obediently exhaled.

Photo: Jack Mitchell

Another Yoko work was called Painting to Hammer a Nail In, which was a block of wood and a hammer. Visitors would be allowed to add nails. Lennon asked if he could, but as the show didn’t open until the next day, Yoko said no. After being reminded that Lennon was a millionaire, she said he could, if he paid five shillings. He said “Well, I'll give you an imaginary five shillings and hammer an imaginary nail in.”

“That's when we locked eyes and she got it and I got it”, Lennon later said. It was (almost) love at first sight. He must have been reminded of a Beatles song from the previous year: “I’ve just seen a face, I can’t forget, the time or place, when we first met”.

Many artists meet their muses in similarly poetic circumstances. In 1937 Laurie Lee was out walking in Cornwall, casually playing a fiddle. A woman said ‘boy, come and play for me’, and he did. She became his muse and lover.

In 1954, Picasso bought some chairs from a local artisan. The artisan and his girlfriend carried the chairs to Picasso’s house. Picasso was so struck by the girl that he painted her from memory, then went to her house with the work, which he called Stunningly Beautiful: The Girl with a Ponytail. She was happy to sit for him, and he made at least 40 paintings and sketches of her.

F Scott Fitzgerald, Dante and Chopin all met their muses at parties. Dante was smitten straight away: “from that time forward, love fully ruled my soul”. Chopin was slightly less gushing: “What a repulsive woman...Is she really a woman? I'm inclined to doubt it.”

Chopin, by Eugene Delacroix. The painting was originally bigger, and showed George Sand sitting on his right.
The picture of Sand survives as a separate painting; some moronic owner thought 
the painting would be more valuable if he cut it in half  

It’s a beautiful, romantic image: an artist who’s inspired to create great work by someone they meet by chance. However, if chance isn’t working for you, you could always put an ad on Gumtree:

Model And Muse

Professional photographer, location specialist, has a unique opportunity for one model to undertake regular TFP photoshoots as an in-house contracted muse.

Minimum commitment of two shoots per month. Minimum age 18, proof of age will be required. Photographs provided.

Initial enquiries with sample photo (any quality) and availability for informal interview will be dealt with on a first come, first served basis.

Gumtree

I saw this on Gumtree a few months ago. Sadly I’m not qualified.

Models wanted for Sideshow Freakshow photoshoot.

I'm requiring models for my Foundation Degree project next year. 
I plan to re-create a modern feel to the term sideshow/freakshow sticking to the dark edged feel.
I require people who can travel to the area and no time wasters please. 
I need models who can evoke one of the following (I will be using make-up for various characters): 


Siamese Twins, Contortionist/s, Serpent Handler, Overweight, Albino, Bearded Lady, Strongman/woman, Small people, Vampire, Fire Acts and more. 


If you are interested or feel you have a talent to be considered for this photoshoot, please contact for more details.
Thanks. x

Not being female, I can’t do this either:

Ladies get your shoes shined....and get paid £10 per pair !!! 

Hi
I'm a tall well-built 28 year old guy who's deeply submissive and would love to clean and worship your shoes. I'm willing to pay £10 for each pair of shoes you make me clean. Money is not an issue for me and its a win win for you, as not only do you get your dirty shoes cleaned without getting ur own hands dirty, you also get paid for it. And it allows me a chance to do what I like. 
You can even loan me out to your friends to use thus making more money for yourself (i'll also pay for your referals) 
If you want we could meet up someplace outside and discuss this and if you are comfortable we can take it forward. I'm a genuine guy and this is a sincere offer, so please honest replies only. 
Its a very simple no frills way for you to make some easy money and it works for me too. 
Drop me a line if interested and we can take it further. 
Cheers 
JS

Gumtree is notorious for its weird job ads, but some of the biggest companies use it:

Male and Female actor/models needed for Channel 4 series The Joy Of Teen Sex.

We are filming for the C 4 show the Joys of Teen Sex on Monday 11th July in East London. It will require nudity & different sexual positions to be demonstrated. 
Contact me if you are interested in taking part. Please send me a photo of yourself and a full body shot. We are able to pay a small fee and travel/lunch expenses. It will be a 8hr shoot day. 

Always worry if someone is looking for an ‘open-minded’ employee:

Open minded cleaner wanted

i am looking for a cleaner for 2 hours every fortnight in my two bed house, normal chores, hoovering, cleaning etc, even sometimes shopping, after a couple of times i will get you a key, so you can do the cleaning anytime. 


the reason why i said an open mined cleaner is because i am a naturist and i walk about nude all the time at home, so sometimes you will see me, sometimes you wont, but you have to be prepared for that. 


i will give good money for the right person. £12.50 per hour so thats £25.00 every fortnight for just 2 hours work, and after a while you can do those 2 hours work when you want.

Gumtree seems family friendly compared with Craigslist, whose job board seems to be dominated by the sex industry. As well as the standard adverts for masseurs, escorts and porn actors, you see some more unusual requests:

Wanted: student for cheeky voice-recording project (your computer)
I'm looking for a female student between 18 and 22, to make a voice recording on their computer (its easy as long as you have a microphone) and send me the sound-file, which I'd pay for. It would involve simply reading out a cheeky, slightly erotic story that I'd send to you. Recording is for my own entertainment only :-) Applicants who can provide a basic photo, description and sample recording of their voice will be prioritised. Regional or rough/ladette accents preferred. :-) 

This one would be easy money:

Male and genuinely ticklish? Earn £100 per hour - cash in hand!

Very straightforward. Looking for ticklish young men to be tied up and tickled. No nudity, no sex - just tickling. You need to be physically fit and genuinely ticklish to take part in this slightly unusual gig. Pay is an excellent 100 pounds per hour - cash in hand. Repeat work also possible. Apply with recent photo (face and body) and description of ticklishness (how much/where) in order to be considered! It'll be safe and fun - and good money for you - so get in touch!

Some people use the job site to advertise their services. This one seems legit:

Very cheap male cleaner

Hi, I am a 36yrs old, tall White guy with a good body in Brighton who is willing to do your cleaning. It is £2 an hour for females and £25 ph for males. 
Regards, Mark.