Lice assassin

Assassinate is a strong word. It recalls famous murder victims like Lincoln, Malcolm X, and Trotsky. It is not used lightly: foxhunting is never called ‘fox assassination’, butchers are not ‘livestock assassins’, and seatbelts are not ‘anti-accidental-road-assassination devices’.

Spencer Perceval, the only British Prime Minister to have been assassinated.
Not by the Hair Force, I must add.

Thus, when a job title contains the word ‘assassin’, it grabs the attention. This was on Gumtree:

Become a Lice Assassin
To be a Lice Assassin is to be a member of an elite team and an innovative and dynamic company – The Hairforce.
 The Hairforce is a nit and lice hand removal service. We offer the only service of its kind in the UK. Using a unique set of equipment and our special clearing process, we literally remove the lice and nits (eggs) from client’s hair...

They aren’t just metaphorically removed. This lice removal service literally removes the lice from your hair. Obviously this is serious work, and the assassins are experts:

We train all our Lice Assassins thoroughly on our special training programme. You will only go ‘live’ on clients when you are fully ready...

This is not a picture of the Hair Force at work. 
It shows the 1901 assassination of US President William McKinley

The Hair Force appears to consider itself a branch of the Army. Their slogan is “no hair goes uncombed. No louse gets out alive.” As the website explains, their lice assassins are ‘A CRACK SQUAD’:

“They’re professional, they’re certified, they’re armed, they’re motivated – and in these uniforms they’re ruthlessly stylish... They’re in it for the kill and take pride in their work...call us and we will allocate you your own private killer – she’s ready and waiting.”

Ooh, which killer will they send? I hope it's Dennis Nilsen

The site then asks: ‘YOU THINK YOU COULD DO IT?’:

If you want to become a Lice Assassin please send an email...telling us why you think you’d make a good cold blooded killer and why you want to become part of the team and rid head lice from the planet. Please also enclose an up to date CV or resume.

We’re always after killers.

Hi, I'm Jeff Dahmer. Where's the infestation?

I thought that sounded ok, so I sent them an email:

Hi there, I see from your website that you're after ‘cold blooded killers’ for your lice assasin [sic] teams. I’m afraid I'm not exactly a killer, but I do have some outstanding burglary charges, and was expelled from school a few times in my youth. Do you think I might have what it takes?

Thanks,

A week later, I got a remarkably good-humoured response:

Hi S.,

Loved your email – unfortunately I’ve now filled that post. Bet you would make a great cold blooded killer though…

Best wishes,

D.
Assassination Partner
THE HAIRFORCE - LICE ASSASSINS

I was flattered. The vast majority of serious applications I send go unanswered, so it was very kind of the ‘assasination partner’ to respond to my sarcastic one. To return the favour, I’d like to point out that they got a great write-up in the Guardian in 2009, and the guy from Embarassing Bodies recommends them. And they never employed either Jeff Dahmer or Dennis Nilsen.

John Hinckley ,Jr: a rubbish assassin.
The Hair Force would never employ him.

Someone else

When you start chatting about David Bowie trivia, you know a job interview is going pretty well.

A few months ago an interviewer asked me about a claim on my CV: I make ‘an occasional profit buying and selling CDs online’, demonstrating my ‘commercial awareness’. I explained how I do it, without telling him how occasional and how small the profit is.

By an odd fluke, I had just bought an album from a charity shop, so I pulled it out of my jacket pocket and showed him. It was Bowie’s Space Oddity, and my interviewer was a fan. He asked which two Bowie songs mention Major Tom (answers at the end). I got them both, but not the job. Perhaps another candidate showed greater knowledge of Bowie’s Aladdin Sane character.

Last week, I got another interviewer talking about music. Again it wasn’t enough to win me the job, which this time was customer assistant at a health food shop.

The interviewer was about my age (22), and very friendly. She apologised in advance about her questions, explaining that some were quite stupid, but that they were chosen by head office. That put me at ease, so I gave pretty confident answers. Example: Why is it important for a shop to have staff with good sales skills?

Me:‘To sell more? That’s the point of running a company.”

Her: You’re the first person I’ve interviewed who’s said that!

I took that as a good sign. We both made plenty of eye contact and smiled a lot, except when I went on a mini-rant about a previous interview, and lost her for a while. In general she seemed to be on my side, and gently steered me towards a couple of right answers. One question was: How does the company make sure its staff know so much about the products they sell? She told me the question was ‘not as difficult as it sounds’, while subtly glancing towards the thick staff training manuals piled up on the desk. Another question asked me to describe myself in three words. Having got two, I was clearly struggling:

Her: Would you say you’re passionate?

Me: Yes!

I told her about my passion for music, and obsession with listening to an album the whole way through. She felt the same way. I told her a pointless anecdote about how my brother recently skipped a few songs on Electric Ladyland because they took a few seconds to get going. She actually seemed interested by this, maybe even sympathetic.

As she showed me out, we exchanged smiles and ‘nice to meet you’s, and I left feeling like I'd finally done enough to get the job. In my interviewing career, it was my best performance so far. I almost seemed employable. I even made a good attempt at being keen. It was the first time that I might have employed myself. However, I would then have offered myself a generous redundancy package, accepted it, and re-hired myself a week later on a higher wage, so it’s probably best that the decision wasn’t up to me.

Steven Wright has a much better version of the joke I just attempted: 

“I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘Help Wanted’. 

There was another sign below it that said ‘Self Service’. 

So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. 

I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.”

The following week, I got the call: “Just letting you know that we’ve hired...someone else.” Apparently I came across well. It was just that someone else came across better.

(The songs were Space Oddity and Ashes to Ashes.)

Muse wanted

November 1966, London. John Lennon walks into the Indica Gallery, to see a preview of conceptual art by the fairly obscure artist Yoko Ono. One piece was a ladder with a black canvas at the top. Lennon climbed to the top and saw the word ‘yes’ in tiny letters, which impressed him. He also saw “an apple on sale there for £200, I thought it was fantastic - I got the humour in her work immediately.”

They met when she handed him an ‘artwork’: a card with the word ‘breathe’ on it. He obediently exhaled.

Photo: Jack Mitchell

Another Yoko work was called Painting to Hammer a Nail In, which was a block of wood and a hammer. Visitors would be allowed to add nails. Lennon asked if he could, but as the show didn’t open until the next day, Yoko said no. After being reminded that Lennon was a millionaire, she said he could, if he paid five shillings. He said “Well, I'll give you an imaginary five shillings and hammer an imaginary nail in.”

“That's when we locked eyes and she got it and I got it”, Lennon later said. It was (almost) love at first sight. He must have been reminded of a Beatles song from the previous year: “I’ve just seen a face, I can’t forget, the time or place, when we first met”.

Many artists meet their muses in similarly poetic circumstances. In 1937 Laurie Lee was out walking in Cornwall, casually playing a fiddle. A woman said ‘boy, come and play for me’, and he did. She became his muse and lover.

In 1954, Picasso bought some chairs from a local artisan. The artisan and his girlfriend carried the chairs to Picasso’s house. Picasso was so struck by the girl that he painted her from memory, then went to her house with the work, which he called Stunningly Beautiful: The Girl with a Ponytail. She was happy to sit for him, and he made at least 40 paintings and sketches of her.

F Scott Fitzgerald, Dante and Chopin all met their muses at parties. Dante was smitten straight away: “from that time forward, love fully ruled my soul”. Chopin was slightly less gushing: “What a repulsive woman...Is she really a woman? I'm inclined to doubt it.”

Chopin, by Eugene Delacroix. The painting was originally bigger, and showed George Sand sitting on his right.
The picture of Sand survives as a separate painting; some moronic owner thought 
the painting would be more valuable if he cut it in half  

It’s a beautiful, romantic image: an artist who’s inspired to create great work by someone they meet by chance. However, if chance isn’t working for you, you could always put an ad on Gumtree:

Model And Muse

Professional photographer, location specialist, has a unique opportunity for one model to undertake regular TFP photoshoots as an in-house contracted muse.

Minimum commitment of two shoots per month. Minimum age 18, proof of age will be required. Photographs provided.

Initial enquiries with sample photo (any quality) and availability for informal interview will be dealt with on a first come, first served basis.