Naughty 'n Nice

This job, for a cleaner in London, pays £5-7 per hour. It’s a three month contract. The advert suggests that sucessful candidates will have to pay for ‘manual handling training’ and a CRB check before starting.

It’s hardly a golden opportunity. However, by 3pm on the day the advert was posted, it had 175 applications. A part-time admin role at a London law firm, posted on the same day, had attracted 234 CVs by mid-afternoon.

Cleaning isn't normally this exciting

Obviously these are extreme examples, but they may not be too far from normal. The average graduate job attracts 83 applications. Google couldn't track down the figure for other jobs, but it did provide a general picture: the unemployment rate is 7.9%, or 2.49 million people, while another 1.26 million who can’t find a full-time job, so are working part-time.

To see how bad the job market is, have a look at this Gumtree ad, easily the least appealing I’ve seen so far:

This job IS NOT FOR YOU!

Fit strong young man for removals work

YOU MUST LIVE IN KEMP TOWN - NO EXCEPTIONS
YOU MUST BE FIT,STRONG AND HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE
YOU MUST BE POLITE,WELL PRESENTED AND FRIENDLY

This job is to fill in for current guy who is on holiday until mid september,but could be permnament as he is looking for full time work.

Hours can be as little as 2 hour jobs,upto 10 hour days,so you HAVE TO be flexible,of you don't like this then DO NOT APPLY -ITS SIMPLE ISN'T IT?? THAT IS THE REASON WHY YOU MUST LIVE IN KEMP TOWN - BECAUSE I CAN PICK YOU UP AND THEN GO TO A JOB - WHICH COULD BE ONLY 2 HOURS! JOBS USUALLY LAST 3/4 HOURS THOUGH.

Pay is £6 - £7 p/h plus the odd tip.

Can you help lift a piano?? that is the sort of 'strong' I'm talking about,this job can be very tough - so no weakllings or unfit couch potatoes. You could be up and down 5 flights of staris 50 times - honestly - if this scares you then do not apply - really it can be a very hard job.

Due to the amount of timewasters you now have to attend an informal interview to apply for this job,I am absolutely sick of lazy dimwits who apply for job,then suddenly the night before job their phones don't get answered,you will be working at 8am on saturdays and maybe sundays,so if your out clubbing till 3am then this job IS NOT FOR YOU.

I am looking for a well spoken polite guy not some smelly pikey with tattooes on his neck whos gonna scare the customers - are you getting it?

TEXTS OR EMAILS WILL GO UNANSWERED - CALL ME ONLY ON XXXXXXXXXX

BE POLITE!

It seems hardly fair for this guy to demand that his employees are polite, friendly people with good attitudes. He appears to be the removal world’s Frank Booth. However, someone seems to have taken the job, as the ad was removed within three days.

The guy who took it must have been desperate for paid work. I am too. My job situation is so bad that I recently applied for a job as sales assistant at a sex shop. I wish I was joking. Here’s the ad:

Applicants must be aged 18 or over. Duties involve selling Adult products which may cause embarrassment to some people. No previous experience is necessary as full training will be given. Duties to include serving customers, dealing with customer enquiries, stock control, cash handling, upselling company’s products and all other relevant duties as required. Must be able to work weekends. There is no obligation to consider making an application for this vacancy. However, if you feel it is suitable for you, please discuss it further with an adviser. The employer has claimed an exception under the Equality Act 2010.

How to apply

You can apply for this job by sending a CV/written application to [name removed] at Nice 'n' Naughty, [email address removed]

Employer

Nice 'n' Naughty

It’s been two weeks, and I haven’t heard back, which is a relief. What would I have told my parents? “Thanks for deciding to have me, even though you could have probably bought a boat instead. Now I’m a sex shop sales assistant, I think you’ll agree that it was money well spent.”

Über People

Friedrich Nietzsche argued that the point of human existence is to produce a few people with superhuman qualities (Übermensch, or supermen). The lives of normal people are pitiable and meaningless:

“What is ape to man? A laughing-stock or painful embarrassment. And man shall be that to superman: a laughing-stock or painful embarrassment. You have made your way from worm to man, and much in you is still worm... The superman is the meaning of the earth...Man is a rope, tied between beast and superman.”

This uplifting message has apparently inspired a recruitment agency: Über People. It was formed in October 2008 “to provide an unrivalled level of service within the recruitment industry.” The firm is somehow able to “guarantees [sic] a level of service above all its competition”. Presumably they are so confident because all their staff are themselves Übermensch. I’d like to suggest a slogan for them:

If you’re embarrassed about how stupid normal people are compared with you, we feel the same. Get in touch and we’ll find you a job which you’re too smart for.

Sandwich Technician

I believe I’ve just had one of the shortest job interviews in history. My previous two were also fairly short, and quite disappointing.

The first was for a customer service role. I got an email confirming the date and time, which also asked me to “note the dress code is smart business dress”. When I got there, the receptionist was dressed in a fairly casual strappy top. She also had the local radio on very loud, and didn't turn it down when she was on the phone. The DJ talked at length about the high price of Hornby train sets.

After waiting 20 minutes, I was called in, answered about three standard questions (example: why do you want the job?), and then listened to a long description of the job. I’m sure the interviewer spent longer talking than me. Isn’t the point of an interview to get information about the applicant? Why would you invite someone to be interviewed, and spend the whole time talking yourself?

The following week, I had a similar experience in an interview for a hotel job. The manager made me wait more than 20 minutes, asked three or four simple questions, and then gave me a lot of uninteresting detail about the job. I was rejected.

My latest interview was even more disappointing. I applied for a job as a 'kitchen assistant'.

“Part time Kitchen Assistant required for a Pub in [nearby town], approx 16 hours per week, mainly evenings and weekends. We are looking for someone who can work with our Pub Chef, but who can also work alone and use initiative. Rate of pay £6/£7 per hour depending on experience. 
“Call or email to arrange interview.”

I soon got an email:

“Thank you for your recent enquiry, I will be conducting drop in interviews tomorrow Tuesday 16th and Thursday 18th August between 2-4pm, I hope you can make this time. For the right applicant we would require immediate start.”

I replied: “Hi, Thursday afternoon would be the best for me - what time would be best?” Their response: “Interviews will be held between 2-4pm.”

I arrived at 3:50. The manager was not expecting me, and was in the middle of something, so I had to wait a while. I was then given an application form, and left for a bit longer. When the manager finally arrived, she had a quick look at form. I can remember the full text of the interview that followed:

“So, do you have kitchen experience?”

“No.”

Lady One Question strikes again

That was it. She then explained that she was looking for someone with experience, but would get back to me if anything else came up, or if none of the other applicants had any experience either. I guess our total conversation was over in 60 seconds.

I felt a little insulted. If the manager had bothered to glance at my CV before inviting me for interview, she would have seen that I have no kitchen experience. Alternatavely, she could have mentioned in the job advert that experience was required, and I wouldn’t have bothered applying. As it was, I wasted about an hour getting to and from the interview.

Was I supposed to know that experience was so important? Perhaps kitchen work is more difficult than I thought. This job certainly looks demanding:

Breakfast chef/sandwich technician

We are looking for a fully experienced chef/sandwich/baguette maker. This is a solo position for a chef who can work quickly and cleanly preparing breakfasts, baking frozen products and sandwich and baguete production in a busy central Brighton cafe. 7 a.m. start, flexible shifts to include weekends. Please email cv.

Gumtree

I saw this on Gumtree a few months ago. Sadly I’m not qualified.

Models wanted for Sideshow Freakshow photoshoot.

I'm requiring models for my Foundation Degree project next year. 
I plan to re-create a modern feel to the term sideshow/freakshow sticking to the dark edged feel.
I require people who can travel to the area and no time wasters please. 
I need models who can evoke one of the following (I will be using make-up for various characters): 


Siamese Twins, Contortionist/s, Serpent Handler, Overweight, Albino, Bearded Lady, Strongman/woman, Small people, Vampire, Fire Acts and more. 


If you are interested or feel you have a talent to be considered for this photoshoot, please contact for more details.
Thanks. x

Not being female, I can’t do this either:

Ladies get your shoes shined....and get paid £10 per pair !!! 

Hi
I'm a tall well-built 28 year old guy who's deeply submissive and would love to clean and worship your shoes. I'm willing to pay £10 for each pair of shoes you make me clean. Money is not an issue for me and its a win win for you, as not only do you get your dirty shoes cleaned without getting ur own hands dirty, you also get paid for it. And it allows me a chance to do what I like. 
You can even loan me out to your friends to use thus making more money for yourself (i'll also pay for your referals) 
If you want we could meet up someplace outside and discuss this and if you are comfortable we can take it forward. I'm a genuine guy and this is a sincere offer, so please honest replies only. 
Its a very simple no frills way for you to make some easy money and it works for me too. 
Drop me a line if interested and we can take it further. 
Cheers 
JS

Gumtree is notorious for its weird job ads, but some of the biggest companies use it:

Male and Female actor/models needed for Channel 4 series The Joy Of Teen Sex.

We are filming for the C 4 show the Joys of Teen Sex on Monday 11th July in East London. It will require nudity & different sexual positions to be demonstrated. 
Contact me if you are interested in taking part. Please send me a photo of yourself and a full body shot. We are able to pay a small fee and travel/lunch expenses. It will be a 8hr shoot day. 

Always worry if someone is looking for an ‘open-minded’ employee:

Open minded cleaner wanted

i am looking for a cleaner for 2 hours every fortnight in my two bed house, normal chores, hoovering, cleaning etc, even sometimes shopping, after a couple of times i will get you a key, so you can do the cleaning anytime. 


the reason why i said an open mined cleaner is because i am a naturist and i walk about nude all the time at home, so sometimes you will see me, sometimes you wont, but you have to be prepared for that. 


i will give good money for the right person. £12.50 per hour so thats £25.00 every fortnight for just 2 hours work, and after a while you can do those 2 hours work when you want.

Gumtree seems family friendly compared with Craigslist, whose job board seems to be dominated by the sex industry. As well as the standard adverts for masseurs, escorts and porn actors, you see some more unusual requests:

Wanted: student for cheeky voice-recording project (your computer)
I'm looking for a female student between 18 and 22, to make a voice recording on their computer (its easy as long as you have a microphone) and send me the sound-file, which I'd pay for. It would involve simply reading out a cheeky, slightly erotic story that I'd send to you. Recording is for my own entertainment only :-) Applicants who can provide a basic photo, description and sample recording of their voice will be prioritised. Regional or rough/ladette accents preferred. :-) 

This one would be easy money:

Male and genuinely ticklish? Earn £100 per hour - cash in hand!

Very straightforward. Looking for ticklish young men to be tied up and tickled. No nudity, no sex - just tickling. You need to be physically fit and genuinely ticklish to take part in this slightly unusual gig. Pay is an excellent 100 pounds per hour - cash in hand. Repeat work also possible. Apply with recent photo (face and body) and description of ticklishness (how much/where) in order to be considered! It'll be safe and fun - and good money for you - so get in touch!

Some people use the job site to advertise their services. This one seems legit:

Very cheap male cleaner

Hi, I am a 36yrs old, tall White guy with a good body in Brighton who is willing to do your cleaning. It is £2 an hour for females and £25 ph for males. 
Regards, Mark. 

Cover Letters

After five months' unemployment, I checked my email 'sent' folder. I'd sent over 100 applications, and been offered five interviews. I needed a new strategy.

A friend of mine, Mr B, was the man to ask. His experience and qualifications, in bullet points, just about fit onto the two pages of his CV. He came back from uni on Friday, and started a well-paying job on Monday.

In contrast, I pad out my single-page CV with plenty of detail about the few jobs I’ve held, and pointless background statements like: “I’m a keen CD collector.”

I've got a copy. So what?

Mr B quickly spotted a problem: my cover letter should be longer than 27 words.

He sent me an example letter by a friend of his, Mrs X. Apparently, it had gained her plenty of interviews which ‘she really shouldn’t have got’. It was a page long, and full of meaningless statements along the lines of ‘I like your company and want to work for you because what you do is interesting’.

Still, it was quite impressive, and helpful. I finally recognised that my cover letter should explain why I want to do the job, and why I’d be good at it. I’ve updated the letter. It was a bland list of what I’ve been doing for the past year. Now it’s a very immodest mini-essay

I’m keeping it to half a page, though. There were about 70 applications for each graduate job last year, according to a poll. If all cover letters are like Mrs X’s, before getting to the CVs, employers would have to wade through 20,000 words, the equivalent of a mini novel. I doubt employers would want to do this, especially if the novella has 70 unconnected characters and no plot.

Since updating my letter, I’ve sent seven applications, and been offered two interviews. The ratio is improving!

PS: a recent donation to Oxfam included: free tourist brochures, a file of Met Office documents, and a tooth in an envelope

University

Is it still worth going to university, financially? University Minister David Willetts says the mean value of a degree is £100,000. That’s the average extra money a graduate will earn in their lifetime, compared with people who left school at 18.

This kind of logic is always suspicious. A statistical link between two things doesn’t mean one caused the other. As Stuart Sutherland wrote in Irrationality:

“The Thatcher government, anxious to reduce subsidies to students, repeatedly claimed that going to university increases earning power. It cannot be denied that graduates do on average earn more than others, but there is no good reason for regarding this as cause and effect. After all, university students have higher than average IQs, and they may be more determined than others; moreover, their parents tend to have good positions and to be middle or upper class so that they can often help their children to obtain good jobs.

“These factors are surely enough to account for higher earnings.The causal association between a university education and higher pay later in life is therefore not proven and the repeated assertion of this connection by British Ministers of Education demonstrate only that the British education system has not succeeded in teaching them how to think.”

It would take a cruel scientist to get reliable data on the true money value of university. He’d have to take hundreds of sets of identical twins, and randomly choose one from each pair to go to university. The other would be sent to get a job after their A-levels. By following the twins throughout their lives, one might get a good estimate of the ‘graduate premium’.

Thankfully, this study will never happen. This does mean, though, we’ll be left with no real clue as to the cash value of a degree.

Of course, some degrees are more valuable than others. A joint honours degree in two unconnected subjects seems particularly useless. Anyone for Derby Uni’s course in Dance & Movement Studies with Architectural Design? Law with Zoology? Criminology with Popular Music Production? 

Trafficker

Apparently ‘trafficker’ is an actual job title. Traffickers work for advertising agencies, helping organise campaigns, and making sure ads go in the right places.

Advertisers spend their lives trying to make things look good. Why would they borrow a job title from the most horrific, brutal branch of the sex industry?

While we're on the sex industry, an update: someone donated three dirty movies to Oxfam last week. One was called Xena: Labia Princess. Is there not a copyright issue there?