Poultry World

I don’t know much about the poultry industry. This became very clear during my interview at Poultry World:

“How do you feel about the battery cage debate?”

“Well obviously I’m against large cages. Err, small cages. As I understand it, free range chickens can still be kept in cages though, as long as they’re over a certain size... isn’t that right?”

“No, that’s not right.”

Someone once told me the cage thing, possibly in a pub. I believed it, and didn’t care enough to ever check the facts. It wasn’t something I thought about very often. During the interview, it popped up in my memory for the first time in ages. This seemed like a good bit of luck, and I confidently reeled it off. They were not impressed.

The rest of the interview went comparatively well - I didn’t claim that chickens were mammals, or that a turkey was a female chicken. I’d give more examples, but these are the only two things I can think of that are stupider than what I actually said.

I wasn’t that upset, really. I already had some part-time work lined up (see next post), and am not that interested in poultry. I went to the interview partly out of curiosity, but mostly because I wanted to be able to tell people that I once went to a job interview at Poultry World.

A friend from college once had an interview at the Meat Trades Journal. (Their website is meatinfo.co.uk.) Poultry World is almost as good, and I still find it funny. During the interview, whenever someone mentioned the magazine’s name, I couldn’t help smiling.

I’d been sent two copies of the magazine before the interview. They asked me to “come in prepared to give a verbal critique of Poultry World magazine”, so I read them.

The June issue was filled with news from the Pig and Poultry LIVE 2011 conference. There was no theme to the August issue. Some highlights:

“Broiler producers have until the end of the month to return their Meat Chicken Notification Forms...” “British Turkey is rolling out its British Turkey Taste Challenge to regional county shows...” “...Gafoor Poultry won a Carcass Utilisation Award...”

My ‘verbal critique’ was as honest as I could make it. I said the mag’s coverage was comprehensive, but clearly not intended for the casual reader. I said it had a good mix of news and features. I did not say that the magazine is very boring indeed.

Despite my restraint, I don’t seem to have got the job.

Still interning

During my ten months of unemployment, I’ve been passing the time by writing for a local listings magazine. At first, I wasn't much use to the magazine. My listings resembled wallpaper soup. All the events seemed boring to me, so I did unenthusiastic and dull write-ups.

This magazine is the only one in town, so its listings are influential. Without tougher editors, I could have killed off the local social scene. Thankfully, they stepped in.

Jan 24: Staring at the Photocopier
Join local citizens as they stare at a photocopier.
Admission free. St Mary's School, 2pm

There were also times where my articles criticised locals, or Scientology; I had to re-write them. This was annoying at the time, but I now see their point: it’s not sensible for a small community magazine to go around pissing off locals, or well-funded groups which love suing people.

I’m now quite well trained. This month, I was given a book to review. I found it dull and self-indulgent, and noticed a grammar mistake in the first line of the first page. Still, I managed to write a fairly positive review, with only a little light sarcasm.

Nice hair, Hubbard.

I have occasional lapses; I recently wrote a hugely inappropriate article. I'd been reading a weird Chuck Palahniuk book, which made me want to do a bit of experimental writing. I had an interview with Poultry World coming up, and had been asked to do a food review of a local cafe, so decided to combine the two in an ‘experimental’ article:

I order the Big Fried Breakfast and a tea, grab a seat by the window, and settle down with a copy of Poultry World magazine. I’m reading it for a job interview. There are two chickens on the front cover.

‘MEPs have backed the idea of introducing processed animal proteins (PAP) into non-ruminant rations...’

It’s 11.45 on a Monday morning. There are three other customers, and no music playing in the background. It’s very quiet.

‘“Pork can be fed with poultry, and poultry with pork” said Ms Roth-Behrendt.’

The meal arrives fairly quickly. It’s huge; must be 1,000 calories. Almost straightaway, I knock my knife onto the floor. I go at the meal with just the fork, but a friendly customer jumps up to get me another knife.

‘...excluding specified risk materials, such as brain and spinal cord, as well as fallen stock.’

The tea is hot. It tastes fine. I’m not a tea connoisseur. The meal is great. The sausages and fried mushrooms are superb, and the eggs are just right. The bacon’s a little fatty, and I rudely pick at it. No-one’s watching.

‘The MEPs insist that, as ruminants are vegetarians, they should not be fed with PAP.’

I get my ratios wrong, and the hash brown and beans are gone before the rest. As I’m finishing, a family comes in and orders. One wants their bacon burnt. Another asks the waiter whether the mushrooms are ‘from a tin’. They are not. I’m full. The bill: £7.70. Bargain.

I honestly didn’t realise this might make the cafe look bad. Fortunately, the editor was paying attention. She said the review made her feel sick, and no-one reading it would want to eat at the cafe afterwards. This was a fair point: I’d really enjoyed the food there, and it was a small family-run business which didn’t deserve that kind of treatment anyway. I had a bit of a sulk, then agreed to rewrite it, but not before sarcastically telling the editor how I'd rewrite it: “I could go into more detail about the texture of the beans”.

This shows the best thing about magazine internships: you can’t really get fired, even if you act like a dick. If anyone has been fired from an internship, I’d love to hear the story, as it probably involves a massive libel, accidentally stabbing an interviewee, or something equally funny.

What Hi-Fi?

As a music obsessive, I was thrilled to get an interview at What Hi-Fi?, until I read the magazine. It’s full of quotes I didn’t understand:

“This system attacks tracks with a playful excitement”; “It balances refinement, insight and attack perfectly and has the composure to make instrumental strands easy to follow”; “the HRT Music Streamer II gives the music more room to breathe, sounding bigger and more powerful as a result.”

What does any of this mean? I really don’t think my ears are sensitive enough to pick up these things. I have no experience with high-end soundsystems. The only CD player I’ve ever owned is a £100 Panasonic Power Blaster I got when I was about ten.

Though my Panasonic sounds great to me, reading the magazine makes me feel like I need to buy some £1,500 kit which can create a ‘holographic stereo image’.

Thus, slightly intimidated, I go to their offices in Teddington for the interview. There are delays on the trains, but these speed me up, as I catch services which were meant to have left before I arrived.

When I meet the editor, my first question is obviously ‘what CD player do you have?’ I forget the details almost immediately. It sounds expensive.

The editor seems a really nice guy, and doesn’t ask me any tricky questions. It feels more like a chat than an interview:

“So, have you been applying for many other jobs?”

“Yeah, actually I’ve got an interview tomorrow at Poultry World.”

“That reminds me of the time I narrowly avoided having to do a week’s work experience for European Plastics Monthly.”

Apparently, European Plastics Monthly has been rebranded.
Clearly, it worked.

He asks what kind of music I like, and I ask him the same. He listens to anything from Bach chamber pieces to modern electro. The magazine’s writers all seem to have a broad taste:

“The B&Ws are just as happy churning out Tom Waits’ I DON’T WANNA GROW UP as they are unpicking Dimitri Shostakovich’s SYMPHONY NUMBER 3 ‘1^ST OF MAY’”; “The A26’s insight into recordings as diverse as Tchaikovsky’s 1812 OVERTURE and Adele’s 21 is impressive at this price level”... etc

After the interview, the editor gives me a guided tour of the test rooms. We walk into the Hi-Fi room, and a Beatles album is playing. Apparently, it takes about 50 hours of playing to ‘break in’ a CD player, so they just leave them running.

Doin Thangs: a good test of any Hi-Fi

I ask the editor whether the recording quality of 60s music is good enough to properly test high-end kit. He says it often is. The best quality recordings come from one person alone in a room, playing into a single microphone, recording straight onto tape. Some 80s music is much worse for sound quality, because they used a lot of compression for instruments, he says, giving Madonna as an example. I have an alternative theory about why Madonna records sound so bad, but keep it to myself.

Before the interview, the editor asked me to write a review in the What Hi-Fi? style, and bring it with me. Here’s what I wrote:

Review: Panasonic RX-DS27, £100 (now out of production), *****

This is a brilliant no-nonsense CD system. Other than volume and track number, the only thing you can change is the EQ. This has five settings, none of which, in my experience, sounds better than the first: ‘EQ-OFF’.

The main reason you should have bought one of when they were still being made is because they’re built to last. Mine is still going strong, even though I once dropped it onto a hard wooden floor, putting a big dent in the mesh of the right-hand speaker. True, the tape deck broke a few years ago, but if you still listen to tapes, why are you reading this magazine?

As for the sound quality, it’s never struggled with anything I’ve run through it. The RX-DS27 conveys the full horror of Captain Beefheart’s growling, dischordant rock, and handles Brian Eno’s ambient works equally well. It doesn’t try and clean up recordings; if there’s hiss on the record, you get hiss through the speakers. This might be praised as authentic or dismissed as annoying, according to your taste. Overall, though, the sound is excellent for this price.

The CD tray has an ingenious fold-out design; handily, you don’t need to turn it on to get CDs out. As an added bonus, it avoids the modern trend of trying to be ‘friendly’. My sister’s CD player (Sony 3MT-EP313) says ‘hello’ when you turn it on and ‘see you’ when you turn it off. I have human friends, and don’t need companionship from my CD player. In fact, the idea that it was even partly sentient would make me feel guilty about leaving it in the house alone all day. Thankfully, the RX-DS27 has never tried to communicate with me. Highly recommended.

I'm a plastic bag and I'm talking to you

I didn’t get the job, but I got a very nicely worded rejection letter, which was almost apologetic. Fair play.

Migration and jobs

‘Migrants Rob Young Britons of Jobs’, read the Daily Express’ front page headline on August 19 last year.

Like rape and murder, robbery is an indictable-only offence carrying a maximum penalty of life imprisonment, so one would hope the Express had some good evidence for this claim. As it turns out, the piece was based on a hopelessly flawed report by Migrationwatch (see article here).

In an editorial about the ‘migrant robbery’ article, the Express argued that “the match-up between areas of high immigration and areas of high youth unemployment will hardly come as a surprise to anyone with a modicum of common sense.”

Peter 'Mentally' Hill, then editor of the Express

An immigration/unemployment link might seem like common sense, at least to Express readers, but the point of academic study is to figure out which items of common sense are true, and which aren’t.

In 2006, Simonetta Longhi and colleagues produced a serious piece of scholarship on the issue. They analysed a range of academic studies which had tried to calculate the effect of migration on employment, and found “the ‘consensus estimate’ of the decline in native-born employment following a 1 percent increase in the number of immigrants is a mere 0.024”.

A classic jazz album by three American expats in Paris.
Or, by some job-robbing migrants, if you're the Express

It seems that for every thousand immigrants, only 24 native jobs are lost.This may seem incredibly low, but it does make sense; though immigrants do take jobs, they also create jobs by spending money.

The number of jobs is determined by the demand for things. If the overall demand in the economy goes up by £100,000, this should in theory create £100,000 worth of jobs, because people need to be employed to make the extra things people are buying.

This is what people are buying these days.

So, if an immigrant takes a job worth £15,000, and then spends £15,000, they’ve created as much employment as they’ve taken, at least in theory. It’s obviously more complex in reality, but that’s the basic mechanism by which immigrants create their own jobs, rather than robbing them from young Britons.

Lice assassin

Assassinate is a strong word. It recalls famous murder victims like Lincoln, Malcolm X, and Trotsky. It is not used lightly: foxhunting is never called ‘fox assassination’, butchers are not ‘livestock assassins’, and seatbelts are not ‘anti-accidental-road-assassination devices’.

Spencer Perceval, the only British Prime Minister to have been assassinated.
Not by the Hair Force, I must add.

Thus, when a job title contains the word ‘assassin’, it grabs the attention. This was on Gumtree:

Become a Lice Assassin
To be a Lice Assassin is to be a member of an elite team and an innovative and dynamic company – The Hairforce.
 The Hairforce is a nit and lice hand removal service. We offer the only service of its kind in the UK. Using a unique set of equipment and our special clearing process, we literally remove the lice and nits (eggs) from client’s hair...

They aren’t just metaphorically removed. This lice removal service literally removes the lice from your hair. Obviously this is serious work, and the assassins are experts:

We train all our Lice Assassins thoroughly on our special training programme. You will only go ‘live’ on clients when you are fully ready...

This is not a picture of the Hair Force at work. 
It shows the 1901 assassination of US President William McKinley

The Hair Force appears to consider itself a branch of the Army. Their slogan is “no hair goes uncombed. No louse gets out alive.” As the website explains, their lice assassins are ‘A CRACK SQUAD’:

“They’re professional, they’re certified, they’re armed, they’re motivated – and in these uniforms they’re ruthlessly stylish... They’re in it for the kill and take pride in their work...call us and we will allocate you your own private killer – she’s ready and waiting.”

Ooh, which killer will they send? I hope it's Dennis Nilsen

The site then asks: ‘YOU THINK YOU COULD DO IT?’:

If you want to become a Lice Assassin please send an email...telling us why you think you’d make a good cold blooded killer and why you want to become part of the team and rid head lice from the planet. Please also enclose an up to date CV or resume.

We’re always after killers.

Hi, I'm Jeff Dahmer. Where's the infestation?

I thought that sounded ok, so I sent them an email:

Hi there, I see from your website that you're after ‘cold blooded killers’ for your lice assasin [sic] teams. I’m afraid I'm not exactly a killer, but I do have some outstanding burglary charges, and was expelled from school a few times in my youth. Do you think I might have what it takes?

Thanks,

A week later, I got a remarkably good-humoured response:

Hi S.,

Loved your email – unfortunately I’ve now filled that post. Bet you would make a great cold blooded killer though…

Best wishes,

D.
Assassination Partner
THE HAIRFORCE - LICE ASSASSINS

I was flattered. The vast majority of serious applications I send go unanswered, so it was very kind of the ‘assasination partner’ to respond to my sarcastic one. To return the favour, I’d like to point out that they got a great write-up in the Guardian in 2009, and the guy from Embarassing Bodies recommends them. And they never employed either Jeff Dahmer or Dennis Nilsen.

John Hinckley ,Jr: a rubbish assassin.
The Hair Force would never employ him.

Someone else

When you start chatting about David Bowie trivia, you know a job interview is going pretty well.

A few months ago an interviewer asked me about a claim on my CV: I make ‘an occasional profit buying and selling CDs online’, demonstrating my ‘commercial awareness’. I explained how I do it, without telling him how occasional and how small the profit is.

By an odd fluke, I had just bought an album from a charity shop, so I pulled it out of my jacket pocket and showed him. It was Bowie’s Space Oddity, and my interviewer was a fan. He asked which two Bowie songs mention Major Tom (answers at the end). I got them both, but not the job. Perhaps another candidate showed greater knowledge of Bowie’s Aladdin Sane character.

Last week, I got another interviewer talking about music. Again it wasn’t enough to win me the job, which this time was customer assistant at a health food shop.

The interviewer was about my age (22), and very friendly. She apologised in advance about her questions, explaining that some were quite stupid, but that they were chosen by head office. That put me at ease, so I gave pretty confident answers. Example: Why is it important for a shop to have staff with good sales skills?

Me:‘To sell more? That’s the point of running a company.”

Her: You’re the first person I’ve interviewed who’s said that!

I took that as a good sign. We both made plenty of eye contact and smiled a lot, except when I went on a mini-rant about a previous interview, and lost her for a while. In general she seemed to be on my side, and gently steered me towards a couple of right answers. One question was: How does the company make sure its staff know so much about the products they sell? She told me the question was ‘not as difficult as it sounds’, while subtly glancing towards the thick staff training manuals piled up on the desk. Another question asked me to describe myself in three words. Having got two, I was clearly struggling:

Her: Would you say you’re passionate?

Me: Yes!

I told her about my passion for music, and obsession with listening to an album the whole way through. She felt the same way. I told her a pointless anecdote about how my brother recently skipped a few songs on Electric Ladyland because they took a few seconds to get going. She actually seemed interested by this, maybe even sympathetic.

As she showed me out, we exchanged smiles and ‘nice to meet you’s, and I left feeling like I'd finally done enough to get the job. In my interviewing career, it was my best performance so far. I almost seemed employable. I even made a good attempt at being keen. It was the first time that I might have employed myself. However, I would then have offered myself a generous redundancy package, accepted it, and re-hired myself a week later on a higher wage, so it’s probably best that the decision wasn’t up to me.

Steven Wright has a much better version of the joke I just attempted: 

“I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘Help Wanted’. 

There was another sign below it that said ‘Self Service’. 

So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. 

I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.”

The following week, I got the call: “Just letting you know that we’ve hired...someone else.” Apparently I came across well. It was just that someone else came across better.

(The songs were Space Oddity and Ashes to Ashes.)

Muse wanted

November 1966, London. John Lennon walks into the Indica Gallery, to see a preview of conceptual art by the fairly obscure artist Yoko Ono. One piece was a ladder with a black canvas at the top. Lennon climbed to the top and saw the word ‘yes’ in tiny letters, which impressed him. He also saw “an apple on sale there for £200, I thought it was fantastic - I got the humour in her work immediately.”

They met when she handed him an ‘artwork’: a card with the word ‘breathe’ on it. He obediently exhaled.

Photo: Jack Mitchell

Another Yoko work was called Painting to Hammer a Nail In, which was a block of wood and a hammer. Visitors would be allowed to add nails. Lennon asked if he could, but as the show didn’t open until the next day, Yoko said no. After being reminded that Lennon was a millionaire, she said he could, if he paid five shillings. He said “Well, I'll give you an imaginary five shillings and hammer an imaginary nail in.”

“That's when we locked eyes and she got it and I got it”, Lennon later said. It was (almost) love at first sight. He must have been reminded of a Beatles song from the previous year: “I’ve just seen a face, I can’t forget, the time or place, when we first met”.

Many artists meet their muses in similarly poetic circumstances. In 1937 Laurie Lee was out walking in Cornwall, casually playing a fiddle. A woman said ‘boy, come and play for me’, and he did. She became his muse and lover.

In 1954, Picasso bought some chairs from a local artisan. The artisan and his girlfriend carried the chairs to Picasso’s house. Picasso was so struck by the girl that he painted her from memory, then went to her house with the work, which he called Stunningly Beautiful: The Girl with a Ponytail. She was happy to sit for him, and he made at least 40 paintings and sketches of her.

F Scott Fitzgerald, Dante and Chopin all met their muses at parties. Dante was smitten straight away: “from that time forward, love fully ruled my soul”. Chopin was slightly less gushing: “What a repulsive woman...Is she really a woman? I'm inclined to doubt it.”

Chopin, by Eugene Delacroix. The painting was originally bigger, and showed George Sand sitting on his right.
The picture of Sand survives as a separate painting; some moronic owner thought 
the painting would be more valuable if he cut it in half  

It’s a beautiful, romantic image: an artist who’s inspired to create great work by someone they meet by chance. However, if chance isn’t working for you, you could always put an ad on Gumtree:

Model And Muse

Professional photographer, location specialist, has a unique opportunity for one model to undertake regular TFP photoshoots as an in-house contracted muse.

Minimum commitment of two shoots per month. Minimum age 18, proof of age will be required. Photographs provided.

Initial enquiries with sample photo (any quality) and availability for informal interview will be dealt with on a first come, first served basis.

Naughty 'n Nice

This job, for a cleaner in London, pays £5-7 per hour. It’s a three month contract. The advert suggests that sucessful candidates will have to pay for ‘manual handling training’ and a CRB check before starting.

It’s hardly a golden opportunity. However, by 3pm on the day the advert was posted, it had 175 applications. A part-time admin role at a London law firm, posted on the same day, had attracted 234 CVs by mid-afternoon.

Cleaning isn't normally this exciting

Obviously these are extreme examples, but they may not be too far from normal. The average graduate job attracts 83 applications. Google couldn't track down the figure for other jobs, but it did provide a general picture: the unemployment rate is 7.9%, or 2.49 million people, while another 1.26 million who can’t find a full-time job, so are working part-time.

To see how bad the job market is, have a look at this Gumtree ad, easily the least appealing I’ve seen so far:

This job IS NOT FOR YOU!

Fit strong young man for removals work

YOU MUST LIVE IN KEMP TOWN - NO EXCEPTIONS
YOU MUST BE FIT,STRONG AND HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE
YOU MUST BE POLITE,WELL PRESENTED AND FRIENDLY

This job is to fill in for current guy who is on holiday until mid september,but could be permnament as he is looking for full time work.

Hours can be as little as 2 hour jobs,upto 10 hour days,so you HAVE TO be flexible,of you don't like this then DO NOT APPLY -ITS SIMPLE ISN'T IT?? THAT IS THE REASON WHY YOU MUST LIVE IN KEMP TOWN - BECAUSE I CAN PICK YOU UP AND THEN GO TO A JOB - WHICH COULD BE ONLY 2 HOURS! JOBS USUALLY LAST 3/4 HOURS THOUGH.

Pay is £6 - £7 p/h plus the odd tip.

Can you help lift a piano?? that is the sort of 'strong' I'm talking about,this job can be very tough - so no weakllings or unfit couch potatoes. You could be up and down 5 flights of staris 50 times - honestly - if this scares you then do not apply - really it can be a very hard job.

Due to the amount of timewasters you now have to attend an informal interview to apply for this job,I am absolutely sick of lazy dimwits who apply for job,then suddenly the night before job their phones don't get answered,you will be working at 8am on saturdays and maybe sundays,so if your out clubbing till 3am then this job IS NOT FOR YOU.

I am looking for a well spoken polite guy not some smelly pikey with tattooes on his neck whos gonna scare the customers - are you getting it?

TEXTS OR EMAILS WILL GO UNANSWERED - CALL ME ONLY ON XXXXXXXXXX

BE POLITE!

It seems hardly fair for this guy to demand that his employees are polite, friendly people with good attitudes. He appears to be the removal world’s Frank Booth. However, someone seems to have taken the job, as the ad was removed within three days.

The guy who took it must have been desperate for paid work. I am too. My job situation is so bad that I recently applied for a job as sales assistant at a sex shop. I wish I was joking. Here’s the ad:

Applicants must be aged 18 or over. Duties involve selling Adult products which may cause embarrassment to some people. No previous experience is necessary as full training will be given. Duties to include serving customers, dealing with customer enquiries, stock control, cash handling, upselling company’s products and all other relevant duties as required. Must be able to work weekends. There is no obligation to consider making an application for this vacancy. However, if you feel it is suitable for you, please discuss it further with an adviser. The employer has claimed an exception under the Equality Act 2010.

How to apply

You can apply for this job by sending a CV/written application to [name removed] at Nice 'n' Naughty, [email address removed]

Employer

Nice 'n' Naughty

It’s been two weeks, and I haven’t heard back, which is a relief. What would I have told my parents? “Thanks for deciding to have me, even though you could have probably bought a boat instead. Now I’m a sex shop sales assistant, I think you’ll agree that it was money well spent.”

Über People

Friedrich Nietzsche argued that the point of human existence is to produce a few people with superhuman qualities (Übermensch, or supermen). The lives of normal people are pitiable and meaningless:

“What is ape to man? A laughing-stock or painful embarrassment. And man shall be that to superman: a laughing-stock or painful embarrassment. You have made your way from worm to man, and much in you is still worm... The superman is the meaning of the earth...Man is a rope, tied between beast and superman.”

This uplifting message has apparently inspired a recruitment agency: Über People. It was formed in October 2008 “to provide an unrivalled level of service within the recruitment industry.” The firm is somehow able to “guarantees [sic] a level of service above all its competition”. Presumably they are so confident because all their staff are themselves Übermensch. I’d like to suggest a slogan for them:

If you’re embarrassed about how stupid normal people are compared with you, we feel the same. Get in touch and we’ll find you a job which you’re too smart for.

Sandwich Technician

I believe I’ve just had one of the shortest job interviews in history. My previous two were also fairly short, and quite disappointing.

The first was for a customer service role. I got an email confirming the date and time, which also asked me to “note the dress code is smart business dress”. When I got there, the receptionist was dressed in a fairly casual strappy top. She also had the local radio on very loud, and didn't turn it down when she was on the phone. The DJ talked at length about the high price of Hornby train sets.

After waiting 20 minutes, I was called in, answered about three standard questions (example: why do you want the job?), and then listened to a long description of the job. I’m sure the interviewer spent longer talking than me. Isn’t the point of an interview to get information about the applicant? Why would you invite someone to be interviewed, and spend the whole time talking yourself?

The following week, I had a similar experience in an interview for a hotel job. The manager made me wait more than 20 minutes, asked three or four simple questions, and then gave me a lot of uninteresting detail about the job. I was rejected.

My latest interview was even more disappointing. I applied for a job as a 'kitchen assistant'.

“Part time Kitchen Assistant required for a Pub in [nearby town], approx 16 hours per week, mainly evenings and weekends. We are looking for someone who can work with our Pub Chef, but who can also work alone and use initiative. Rate of pay £6/£7 per hour depending on experience. 
“Call or email to arrange interview.”

I soon got an email:

“Thank you for your recent enquiry, I will be conducting drop in interviews tomorrow Tuesday 16th and Thursday 18th August between 2-4pm, I hope you can make this time. For the right applicant we would require immediate start.”

I replied: “Hi, Thursday afternoon would be the best for me - what time would be best?” Their response: “Interviews will be held between 2-4pm.”

I arrived at 3:50. The manager was not expecting me, and was in the middle of something, so I had to wait a while. I was then given an application form, and left for a bit longer. When the manager finally arrived, she had a quick look at form. I can remember the full text of the interview that followed:

“So, do you have kitchen experience?”

“No.”

Lady One Question strikes again

That was it. She then explained that she was looking for someone with experience, but would get back to me if anything else came up, or if none of the other applicants had any experience either. I guess our total conversation was over in 60 seconds.

I felt a little insulted. If the manager had bothered to glance at my CV before inviting me for interview, she would have seen that I have no kitchen experience. Alternatavely, she could have mentioned in the job advert that experience was required, and I wouldn’t have bothered applying. As it was, I wasted about an hour getting to and from the interview.

Was I supposed to know that experience was so important? Perhaps kitchen work is more difficult than I thought. This job certainly looks demanding:

Breakfast chef/sandwich technician

We are looking for a fully experienced chef/sandwich/baguette maker. This is a solo position for a chef who can work quickly and cleanly preparing breakfasts, baking frozen products and sandwich and baguete production in a busy central Brighton cafe. 7 a.m. start, flexible shifts to include weekends. Please email cv.

Gumtree

I saw this on Gumtree a few months ago. Sadly I’m not qualified.

Models wanted for Sideshow Freakshow photoshoot.

I'm requiring models for my Foundation Degree project next year. 
I plan to re-create a modern feel to the term sideshow/freakshow sticking to the dark edged feel.
I require people who can travel to the area and no time wasters please. 
I need models who can evoke one of the following (I will be using make-up for various characters): 


Siamese Twins, Contortionist/s, Serpent Handler, Overweight, Albino, Bearded Lady, Strongman/woman, Small people, Vampire, Fire Acts and more. 


If you are interested or feel you have a talent to be considered for this photoshoot, please contact for more details.
Thanks. x

Not being female, I can’t do this either:

Ladies get your shoes shined....and get paid £10 per pair !!! 

Hi
I'm a tall well-built 28 year old guy who's deeply submissive and would love to clean and worship your shoes. I'm willing to pay £10 for each pair of shoes you make me clean. Money is not an issue for me and its a win win for you, as not only do you get your dirty shoes cleaned without getting ur own hands dirty, you also get paid for it. And it allows me a chance to do what I like. 
You can even loan me out to your friends to use thus making more money for yourself (i'll also pay for your referals) 
If you want we could meet up someplace outside and discuss this and if you are comfortable we can take it forward. I'm a genuine guy and this is a sincere offer, so please honest replies only. 
Its a very simple no frills way for you to make some easy money and it works for me too. 
Drop me a line if interested and we can take it further. 
Cheers 
JS

Gumtree is notorious for its weird job ads, but some of the biggest companies use it:

Male and Female actor/models needed for Channel 4 series The Joy Of Teen Sex.

We are filming for the C 4 show the Joys of Teen Sex on Monday 11th July in East London. It will require nudity & different sexual positions to be demonstrated. 
Contact me if you are interested in taking part. Please send me a photo of yourself and a full body shot. We are able to pay a small fee and travel/lunch expenses. It will be a 8hr shoot day. 

Always worry if someone is looking for an ‘open-minded’ employee:

Open minded cleaner wanted

i am looking for a cleaner for 2 hours every fortnight in my two bed house, normal chores, hoovering, cleaning etc, even sometimes shopping, after a couple of times i will get you a key, so you can do the cleaning anytime. 


the reason why i said an open mined cleaner is because i am a naturist and i walk about nude all the time at home, so sometimes you will see me, sometimes you wont, but you have to be prepared for that. 


i will give good money for the right person. £12.50 per hour so thats £25.00 every fortnight for just 2 hours work, and after a while you can do those 2 hours work when you want.

Gumtree seems family friendly compared with Craigslist, whose job board seems to be dominated by the sex industry. As well as the standard adverts for masseurs, escorts and porn actors, you see some more unusual requests:

Wanted: student for cheeky voice-recording project (your computer)
I'm looking for a female student between 18 and 22, to make a voice recording on their computer (its easy as long as you have a microphone) and send me the sound-file, which I'd pay for. It would involve simply reading out a cheeky, slightly erotic story that I'd send to you. Recording is for my own entertainment only :-) Applicants who can provide a basic photo, description and sample recording of their voice will be prioritised. Regional or rough/ladette accents preferred. :-) 

This one would be easy money:

Male and genuinely ticklish? Earn £100 per hour - cash in hand!

Very straightforward. Looking for ticklish young men to be tied up and tickled. No nudity, no sex - just tickling. You need to be physically fit and genuinely ticklish to take part in this slightly unusual gig. Pay is an excellent 100 pounds per hour - cash in hand. Repeat work also possible. Apply with recent photo (face and body) and description of ticklishness (how much/where) in order to be considered! It'll be safe and fun - and good money for you - so get in touch!

Some people use the job site to advertise their services. This one seems legit:

Very cheap male cleaner

Hi, I am a 36yrs old, tall White guy with a good body in Brighton who is willing to do your cleaning. It is £2 an hour for females and £25 ph for males. 
Regards, Mark. 

Cover Letters

After five months' unemployment, I checked my email 'sent' folder. I'd sent over 100 applications, and been offered five interviews. I needed a new strategy.

A friend of mine, Mr B, was the man to ask. His experience and qualifications, in bullet points, just about fit onto the two pages of his CV. He came back from uni on Friday, and started a well-paying job on Monday.

In contrast, I pad out my single-page CV with plenty of detail about the few jobs I’ve held, and pointless background statements like: “I’m a keen CD collector.”

I've got a copy. So what?

Mr B quickly spotted a problem: my cover letter should be longer than 27 words.

He sent me an example letter by a friend of his, Mrs X. Apparently, it had gained her plenty of interviews which ‘she really shouldn’t have got’. It was a page long, and full of meaningless statements along the lines of ‘I like your company and want to work for you because what you do is interesting’.

Still, it was quite impressive, and helpful. I finally recognised that my cover letter should explain why I want to do the job, and why I’d be good at it. I’ve updated the letter. It was a bland list of what I’ve been doing for the past year. Now it’s a very immodest mini-essay

I’m keeping it to half a page, though. There were about 70 applications for each graduate job last year, according to a poll. If all cover letters are like Mrs X’s, before getting to the CVs, employers would have to wade through 20,000 words, the equivalent of a mini novel. I doubt employers would want to do this, especially if the novella has 70 unconnected characters and no plot.

Since updating my letter, I’ve sent seven applications, and been offered two interviews. The ratio is improving!

PS: a recent donation to Oxfam included: free tourist brochures, a file of Met Office documents, and a tooth in an envelope

University

Is it still worth going to university, financially? University Minister David Willetts says the mean value of a degree is £100,000. That’s the average extra money a graduate will earn in their lifetime, compared with people who left school at 18.

This kind of logic is always suspicious. A statistical link between two things doesn’t mean one caused the other. As Stuart Sutherland wrote in Irrationality:

“The Thatcher government, anxious to reduce subsidies to students, repeatedly claimed that going to university increases earning power. It cannot be denied that graduates do on average earn more than others, but there is no good reason for regarding this as cause and effect. After all, university students have higher than average IQs, and they may be more determined than others; moreover, their parents tend to have good positions and to be middle or upper class so that they can often help their children to obtain good jobs.

“These factors are surely enough to account for higher earnings.The causal association between a university education and higher pay later in life is therefore not proven and the repeated assertion of this connection by British Ministers of Education demonstrate only that the British education system has not succeeded in teaching them how to think.”

It would take a cruel scientist to get reliable data on the true money value of university. He’d have to take hundreds of sets of identical twins, and randomly choose one from each pair to go to university. The other would be sent to get a job after their A-levels. By following the twins throughout their lives, one might get a good estimate of the ‘graduate premium’.

Thankfully, this study will never happen. This does mean, though, we’ll be left with no real clue as to the cash value of a degree.

Of course, some degrees are more valuable than others. A joint honours degree in two unconnected subjects seems particularly useless. Anyone for Derby Uni’s course in Dance & Movement Studies with Architectural Design? Law with Zoology? Criminology with Popular Music Production?